they may call me "Other"

My family is extremely diverse. On my fathers side they are Jewish. Then on my mothers side I have Christian, Catholic, and my grandparents are ummmm I think Atheists or at least against "organized Religion." If I'm honest This used to embarrass me. When I was with my Muslim friends I would never tell them, that my parents were reverts. I wanted to pretend I was just like them. I needed to belong to at least one group. I was one of Millions of "Others" we were born Muslim but our parents are reverts. We do not fit in with the Americans and at the same time we don't not fully belong to the Arab or Desi community. I hated belonging to this group of "Others".I wanted to be Arab. full blooded sandal with sock wearing Arab. I wanted black hair, brown eyes and olive skin. I wanted people to take me seriously when I talked about Islam. I wanted people to respect me when I came to the masjid.


I started wearing hijjab and the next year my family was invited to my cousins Bat Mitsva. I was scared out of my mind. No part of me was comfortable with the thought of sitting in a temple with people who were supposed to not like me. I had been to temple before but never with Hijjab. This time it would be different. I pictured the Rabbi screaming at my father that he was a "traitor". I had images of the rabbi and the followers chasing me out of the temple yelling at me to look at my roots and come back to them. Ok, so Im slightly dramatic. Then there was part of me that wanted the people to be mean so that I didn't feel like I was paranoid. I wanted a man to yell at me so I could stand up in front of my family and declare that I was proud to be a Muslim. To tell you the truth Im not sure why I wanted this. maybe I needed to prove to myself that I was proud and not ashamed to wear Hijjab. I entered the Synagog. I sat down next to a smiling women on my right and my father on my left. my father wore a kufi but I'm sure the people around him thought it was a large yamaka, but I appreciated the solidarity. The Rabbi started, I waited. No one was chasing us yet. I waited. My cousin stood up and started reading. I waited. the lady next to me said she liked my scarf. Did she think I was orthodox Jewish? What was wrong with these people why were they not doing what I thought and slightly wanted them to do. why were they not fulfilling my fantasies of a complected family/Religious clash. I didn't know my Jewish family well. I thought they would be embarrassed by us. I thought they secretly didn't want us to show up. I waited longer. Then my time came. The Rabbi started talking about Palestine and Israel. I thought to myself, "this is it. get ready to run." I got paranoid. I told myself that people were staring at me. I got ready to run when they got up to chase me out of the synagog. Nothing happened. no one was looking at me. why? The next thing I know people got up to leave. The women at the door smiled, gave me a hug and thanked me for coming. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!!!??? I was already confused, then my great uncle came up to me. he hugged me and told me this, " I don't care what you are. I don't care if you do voodoo. All I want to know is that you are happy. we are family and that's all that matters." I never told anyone this but that night I cried. I wasted half my life being scared to get to know my family out of ignorance. I was ashamed that I had become what I had assumed they themselves were doing. I judged them long before they had judged me. My great uncle still tells me he loves me just the way I am. I don't care how many times I have heard it. I want to hear it again. I may feel like my Jewish family accepts me but I know I will never fully belong. Judaism is a huge part of their life. And while we may share blood we do not share faith. They will never fully understand my Religious practices and as much as I pretend I do, I will never really understand theirs. Is this poetic or just confusing? I haven't decided yet.

My mothers side its a little more complicated. My grandparents are from North Carolina and while they spend many many many years in the Middle East they will never accept that fact that my mother and her children are Muslim. I cant count the number of times I have argued with my grandfather about Islam. He thinks Ill grow out of it. He thinks my Islam is just a phase like a bad hairstyle or skinny jeans. Its not that easy. When I walk with him I wonder if he feels ashamed to be seen with me. I sometimes offer to wait in the car in order to save him the stares. I may be used to it but Im sure he is not. The fact is, he will never fully accept that we are not going to stop being Muslim. Maybe its time for me to also accept that he will never become a Muslim. I love him and I know he loves us but we still do not fully belong. We are “other”. Not to long ago when I would go to the masgid people would treat me differently. Although I was born Muslim the thought I knew nothing about Islam. That's one of the reasons it would be so much easier if I just say my dads from Palestine instead of Israel. The questions stop once I say that and all of a sudden I am accepted. I am ashamed to admit I was embarrassed by my heritage. I wanted nothing more then to pick a race and Religion that fit better together and stick with it. I was sick of being an “other” and wanted to be a someone.


I have found my place. I am no longer ashamed of who I am or where my family comes from. I am a Muslim American who comes from a Jewish and Christian background. I pray five times a day and have a American grandpa who used to let me sit on his lap and drive the green tracker. I wear a hijjab and had a grandma who was Jewish yet still read me books and hugged me before bed. I read the Quran and have cousins who read the torah. I have found my place. Nothing makes me more proud then the thought that my parents became Muslims on their own. They faced many difficulties yet as a family we have prevailed and the differences between us were not as strong as the similarities that have brought us together. I am Khadija. Daughter of Mustafa Dan Chudnoff and Nadina Barns. I am a writer, lover, sister, aunt and believer. I am from a family I am proud of. I am Khadija and I am not “OTHER”

Yes I wear hijjab and still have a voice

I am so sick of the main stream media showing Muslim women as weak and voiceless. Don't get me wrong I know there are thousands of Muslim women who do not have a voice. But what about the thousands of Muslim women who stand up for what they believe? What about all the Muslim men who work along side Muslim women to get more rights for women? Where are they? Why are they not on CNN? Why cant a local news station hire a Muslim in hijjab who has no problem using her voice? Let me be the first to tell you, Islam gives women a voice. We should use what Allah has given us. Before the time of the Prophet Muhammad SWAW women were treated horribly. They were treated as if they were animals. Muhammad SWAW was the first Muslim Feminist. He preached and demanded rights for women. American women have only had the right to vote since 1920. Muslim women have had rights from the start of Islam. What about marriage laws? Women in America would get married and then have to give everything that was theirs to their husband. Money in the bank, give it to yo man. Land from the family, give it to yo man. You no longer own anything including what was rightfully yours. Islamic law protects women from this. Whats mine stays MINE. I would love to get on Fox and challenge the hell out of each political view they have. In fact I think they should hire me. Im loud,funny and not too hard on the eyes. But they wont. Not only because I have absolutely no schooling or experience in journalism but because Im Muslim and Proud. Im talking PROUD. Im talking fly my flag high. Im talking about the kind of pride that makes me unashamed. I would love the opportunity to have my voice heard. I know I'm not alone. I have a million and one hijjabi friends who feel the same way. Taslim VanHattum for example. Now this women is Amazing, she has been all over the world doing humanitarian work. She has recently gone to Gaza where she photographed the devastation caused by the Israeli government. And she did it all in hijjab. Why cant they show a women like that on TV? As much as I blame the mainstream media, I also blame my Muslim brothers and sisters. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU ALL!!!!!?????? you stay quite your whole life and then when a cartoon of our beloved prophet (peace be upon him) is shown and all of a sudden you want a voice. It doesn't work like that. You don't get to wake up one day, pick a topic to get mad about and expect a million people to follow your tweet (although that would be nice). You start at the bottom. Get educated about Islam first. That way when people ask you a question on the street you know what to say. Every Muslim should know the answer to the following questions at a minimum.
1)WHY DO YOU WEAR HIJJAB?...normally followed by, “isn't it hot under that?”
2)Who Is your God?
3)Who is Muhammad SWAW?
4)are you American?
5)Do you believe in Jesus?
6)Why do muslim men wear dresses?
Im telling you that there is no better way to teach about Islam then to have a women in Hijjab speak proudly about who they are and why they wear hijjab. We cannot allow people to take our voices away. We are strong and independent. We do not need to wear tiny skirts in order to feel free.
As a Muslim women I am outraged with the way I am betrayed by the Media and I think you should be too. I am not a victim I do not want pity. All I want is a chance to be heard. So come on fox. I dear you. Have a women in hijjab talk for 2 minutes on your show. Don't ask her questions about Islam. Ask her hows she feels about the Oil spill or The Arizona law on immigration. You may be surprised by her answer.

to my dearest MR. Pipes

A few months ago and man pulled up and yelled at me to “go home”. This was strange. How can I go home when clearly I am already home. If this same man had yelled at me 2 years ago I would have jumped at the opportunity to set him strait. Throughout my life I have heard it all. My brother was called a “sand nigger” my sister had her hijjab torn off her head. I am sure I will see more. When I was younger I was angry toward these people. Now I feel pity for these people who are filled with nothing but hate. I used to get angry. I used to yell and scream and cry. I did it all. I would go home and write slam poetry about how mad I was. I recently have stopped being mad. I no longer cry or scream. Now the only thing I feel towards the people like Daniel Pipes is pity. So MR. Pipes this letter is for you

Dear Mr. Pipes.
For a long time you did you job very well. I cried when I would read your blog. I hated how you twisted the words spoken by Muslims. I hated how you took Quran verses out of context to fit your agenda. I remember that I once felt sick after I read one blog you had. Do you not realize the hate you are planting inside the people of America? Do you not realize that you are a terrorist? You may laugh at my use of the word but lets look it up. Terrorism, “a person who terrorizes or frightens others.” you frighten me. You cause me to fear not only for my life but for the life of my Muslim brothers and sisters all over America. You allow people to feed off ignorance in order to make yourself more popular. You have no conscious objection to the outcomes your words might cause. You have claimed a million and one times that you do not “hate”Muslims. You say you are not targeting Islam. You my friend are a liar. You move like a snake. You twist and turn until the person you are interviewing becomes confused. Once you have them, they are like putty in your hands. You can have them say anything you want them to.
You used to make me mad. However I just wanted you to know that I am not mad anymore. I no longer care what you say. Go ahead and spread all the lies and hate you would like to. Feel free to write blogs that induces ignorant people to continue to live in bliss. Feel free to impose on my rights and a free American to make yourself feel better. I understand, Your confused. You must be very upset that Muslim in America no longer care about what you have to say. You are probably wondering why we are ignoring you. Well I feel you in on a little secret.
In Sura Al-Kafirun Allah tells us “Say: O you who reject faith. I worship not that which you worship. Nor will you worship that which I worship. And I will not worship that which you have been wont to worship. Nor will you worship that which I worship. To you be your way, and me mine.”
So feel free Mr. Pipes to talk and talk and talk. You have failed at your job. You have not shaken my foundation. You have not made me second guess my life dissensions. I live my life simply and happily. Do you live your life that way? you may say if I am wrong that I will have lived a life as a Muslim for nothing. and to you I say, that is wrong. I lived a life loving my brothers and sister. I lived a life where helping those in need was a top priority. I was modest and I held my head high. I was married to the man I love. I went to school and got good grades. No, I will not live a life that will later be regretting. can you say the same my dear friend?
And now I speak to the Muslim in America. We owe no explanation or apology. I was not a part of the september 11th attack. I never spoke against my American brothers and sisters. So, why should I apologies? I have done nothing to harm this country. The people who did harm this country were not Muslims. They were ignorant angry people who committed a horrible crime and they will have to answer to God. But you Daniel Pipes, you are not God. I do not owe you anything except for my pity. One day soon I hope that you feel what I feel. I hope one day your heart opens and you understand our religion for what it is. One day I hope you can be as free as I am.

Dear Mr. Pipes. Please feel free to judge me. Feel free to ask me hard questions. I am no longer scared of you. I no longer care about the lies you spread. Go ahead and profile me. I don't mind the stares or whispers. The more you lie the more Americans have questions. I will be waiting here with a smile, ready to answer the questions you have sparked. So Mr. Pipes thank you.